Blogs by prettytwisted

Things here are different to any other place I have ever lived. Here its not about style or trends or any of that other maningless society driven crap. Here its all about being as "you" as possible. No one looks ar a guy funny when he wanders around in a purple sarong with no shoes and no shirt....thats nomal here. Yeah there are some stares and so on, but thats few and far in between. The other day I was walking with my friend Ant, the sarong wearing guy...into town. We walked into a busy supermarket, blazed, paranoid and giggling and the only people who stared at us were the people in the maroon yaris with GP number plates. The local thugs were standing at the ATM cat calling the foul mouthed girls they seem to fancy...(by foul mouthed i mean they are so filty with those mouths the pope would keel over and wank himself to death at their forked tongues) ... so theres Ant and I standing and considering full cream or low fat, him in his sarong and me in a hippy dress, sea shell pendant ...... Read Full Post

Its been a while since Ive felt the need to write. Since last I wrote about all sorts of random things so much has happened. Ive finally grown up, shed the goth outfits and....just kidding. Seriously...like I would ever grow up. I relocated to a small town on the western cape and boy oh boy has my life taken a twist for the better. Ive found my zen on a beach somewhere one drunken sunday after a herbal bout of spaceyness. Yes...I do that sometimes. So while I was mucking about barefoot in the sand I stopped and stared at these huge waves crashing on some boulders out in the ocean and I realised I just found my inner peace....altough it could have had something to do with the four "special" brownies I had wolfed down earlier. So there i was, flinging my poi around and dancing like a hippie on a psycadelic session, when suddenly this urge came over me to strip down and run around bare arsed...which I did. Sadly on the other side of the dune was a family of very very church loving people ...... Read Full Post

Its Friday afternoon, I'm at work, staring down my computer, thinking of various new ways to disembowel these damn trainees. For some psychopatic reason my new boss seems to think I am the patient teaching type and will coo all their stupidity away by patting them on the head every time they phone me after midnight to take a damn cab and come all the way down to the office to fix their mess. NO FRACKING WAY. For the past 18 or so hours I have been systematically torturing them with the intercom. Instead of playing the regular ECR, I decided to educate the entire building in the ways of angry ranting screamo music, followed by the stylings of Brother Wager. Theres something awesome about Wagners classical music, something that makes me want to invade Poland and claim it as a Twisted Reich. Anyway, so not only have they had to endure that lovely prelude I played, but I decided to host something I call The Penetration Station. See that is where I get Vusi the mail room clerk to joi...... Read Full Post

For a change I’m blogging about something serious, something that affects millions of people world wide. Personally I have struggled with this for many years, and I made some bad choices about it as a teen. Early in my twenties I discovered that it was destroying my life and did something about it. Many aren’t that lucky. There were days where the only thing to pass my lips would be a weak mixture of sugar water so that I wouldn’t faint. So yes, it stings a it when people call me fat, it triggers this response in the back of my mind that I should go shove my finger down my throat, and not eat anything for the rest of the day. If you haven’t guessed yet, I suffered from Bulimia Nervosa when I was a teen, which almost took a turn for the worst on my 21st birthday when I started vomiting blood. I was one of the lucky few who actually had the right people around me. It started when I was 15, with my uncle parading his skeletal daughter around and telling me how disgusting I must ...... Read Full Post

It’s early… there is no coffee at the office and the caffeine hungry java-junkies are fidgeting around aimlessly. I sit staring into empty space as my brain is not fully rebooted from a nights sleep, I am desperate for coffee…. Chai, tea, anything that contains a trace amount of caffeine. I want it… I need it…. And I need it now. It’s my second day in the new section of this company, working for a woman who earlier came out of her office tapping the vein on her arm and in a zombie like voice said “coooofffeeeeee”…which needless to say freaked the crap out of me. Now unlike my usual sarcastic self I actually offered to share my monster with her…. Mmmm monster, 710mls of nothing but pure energy. I have to admit I like my new boss. She’s quirky funny and has this bitchy streak that makes me giggle. Like yesterday she was dealing with a rather obnoxious man who reminded me of a penguin…short, stubbly and a waddle to his walk. He was growling about service delivery and such, when Miss ...... Read Full Post

There are many predatory species wandering the corridors of this small office. Oh there’s one now, Grey hairicus femalus better known as the bum pinching older female. We watch as she stalks her prey, the unsuspecting new addition to the cubicle jungle, the young male known us victimicus cute-bumicus. She approaches, using a distraction technique before moving in for the kill. He dodges, but is too late as her hands slips to his posterior causing him to yelp in surprise. We watch as she moves off, leaving the injured and damaged carcass of a shivering young male behind, then finally he shudders and silently stalks back to his domain…the mental scars of said encounter to haunt him for a few hours. We move further into the jungle towards the watering hole, where a herd of young females have gathered to quench their thirst, it seems they are in heat as a male approaches, this male is known as muscularis no-brainicus. He purposefully stretches his muscular appendages out for these...... Read Full Post

Some things in life are just plain ironic... Last night the tap in my kitchen popped off and half my flat was flooded. So while stomping around my tiled swamp i came to the startling realisation that even though my flat resembles a prehistoric puddle of dino pee... At least the floors are clean. The point is I didnt dwell on the fact that my stove is ruined or that my couches are wet...but I chose to see the beauty of it all... Just yesterday morning I said 'hmmm maybe I should wash the floors' ..and look its been washed. Irony is the most increadible thing isnt it? For that matter so is being random. I mean seriously... Im not random, theres just alot of thoughts in my head you should know..sharing is caring and Procrastination is better left for another day [I'll think of something witty to say about it later] ... I've always believed in karma and that everything happens for a reason...its like knowing that pushing things around might get you ahead in life except through th...... Read Full Post

Today is one of those weird days; my co-worker “bob” is desperately trying to convert my agnostic views into what he deems to be morality. Its funny really, he’s sitting there staring at me through the open office door and mouthing the words “I’ll pray for you”… so naturally in a very lady like manner I flip him the bird. It’s so funny how people misunderstand how good it is to be agnostic. Exhibit A… The “law” abiding church goers sit in a cold hollow building on a Sunday and sing ancient relics to and organ player who most likely is still suffering from a really hard Saturday nights drinking session. Exhibit B … Agnostics lay in bed until noon, have no moral dilemmas whatsoever regarding pre-marital sex and seem to float blissfully through their lazy Sundays. The irony of this is no one is really too sure what exactly an agnostic is unless you are one. Picture this if you will a group of people who are not arrogant enough to believe that there is nothing out there that may be ...... Read Full Post

It’s a chilly Monday morning in this town I call home. Work blows as usual, but for some magical reason I have this song stuck on repeat in my head, a smile on my face as if I have this huge secret (which I do) and a shot of khalua in my morning coffee. Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day. The weekend still fresh in my memory, and hopefully it will linger for three miserable weeks so I can repeat it again for my birthday. As the Greeks say “whopa”. I can’t express how amazing Mr. Mystery is, and how amazing he made the weekend. Let’s just say he rocked my world on every level. Friday night was brilliant, spending it on a friends plot out in the middle of nowhere having a good old female piss up, and then ironically meeting Mr. Mystery there in her garden amongst a stampeding herd of dogs. The night was brilliant, chatting until the cows came home before finally falling asleep in his warm arms. The moment we woke up was made interesting by the fact my hormones w...... Read Full Post

This is gearing up to be a wicked weekend. Not only is tonight the long a waited “ladies night”, but tomorrow is the day I get to meet Mr. Mystery. So as I entered the office I had this big grin on my face. But nothing could prepare me for the chaos that awaited me at work this morning. My boss was his usual grumpy self, so after delivering his coffee with his normal dose of tranquilizers… I set off to complete my mission of finalizing a few meetings, attending a broker’s meet, and then walking in on two of my co-workers shagging each other silly. Yes you read right. I walked in on new guy and blonde doing the dirty on MY heap of boxes. I felt violated. They had destroyed the sanctity of my favorite masturbation spot. He stood there blinking at me; she bent over my boxes with an innocent look on her face. That’s when it happened. To my utter horror my boss’s wife walks in on the scene and dead in her tracks, faints. Unable to control my laughter at new guys shocked expressio...... Read Full Post

I woke up thinking the day was going to be magnificent…one day closer to meeting a dazzling mystery man..(Eat your hearts out )… But it quickly turned into one of those days where even the laser printer was set to stun. So there I was, like a sperm with a purpose, perched on the side of my desk enjoying my coffee and the fact I planned to be on a slow strike all day when suddenly that familiar whirring buzzing sound began to resonate through the silent office. That thing was blinking at me again…my nemesis… the dreaded bizhub from hell. It was trembling slightly as I approached cautiously…like a wild mechanical beast ready to attack… and that’s when it happened. It gave me a shocking experience that made my hand prickle for half an hour. Naturally I kicked the seven shades of snot out of it only to break the heel on my most expensive pair of boots. Hobbling through the corridors of the office, grumbling about exterminating the evil mechanical monster, I slipped, skidded and...... Read Full Post

Here are some fun factoids… considering the fact I have been publicly called a satanist (which I am not) and I have been repeatedly and publicly targeted by a certain brainless individual (some idiot who thinks she knows everything) who by all facts doesn’t have any idea what it is to truly be a satanist. Right… I am in fact agnostic… by definition Agnostic means that I believe in facts. I don’t worship idols or slaughter goats or pray to a telepathic cosmic zombie if you will. My opinions are my own and there fore no brainless moron has the right to attack my views or my beliefs, just as I wouldn’t judge them (this particular individual) for their beliefs. Agnosticism: Agnosticism is not a creed but a method, the essence of which lies in the vigorous application of a single principle... Positively the principle may be expressed as in matters of intellect, do not pretend conclusions are certain that are not demonstrated or demonstrable However this little person ( I use lit...... Read Full Post

30 TIMES IN A ROW

Business Venture

Brazil star Ronaldo to retire in 2011

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

'Big Brother' contestant's home burns down

Farting All The Time

Late Fulham goal sees Man United held

Gang of Instrumentals

FIFA world cup 2010 - whose money?